Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

🤣😂🤣😂

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.