Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

What.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.