1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.