Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

This seems like peak sibling energy

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay