1 minute of washing machine time is equivalent to at least 24 hours of human time. They exist on a completely different scale. The machine said 2 minutes left 3 days ago, give me back my clothes you ba*****d.
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
blocked.
