1 minute of washing machine time is equivalent to at least 24 hours of human time. They exist on a completely different scale. The machine said 2 minutes left 3 days ago, give me back my clothes you ba*****d.
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)