Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.