1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.