1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Attacked by a mop.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts