Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

That de-escalated quickly

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

I hope you folks are recycling correctly