1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors