Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.