Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.