Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.