[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.