1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
sign of the times 🖊
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
