1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
You Might Also Like
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Europe. Made in Germany.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Baller is short for ballerina
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count