Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated