1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
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If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.