Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Death certificates are our last participation award.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu