Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

why am I working on Labor Day

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Saturday

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

I’m the neighbor

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”