Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

never ask a starfish for directions

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

congratulations to them

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Lube but for my dry humor.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”