1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
You Might Also Like
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.