@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

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@OohSnapItsChris

Anyone want to volunteer to dress up as a dragon for me and kidnap my girlfriend?

I always wanted to save a princess.

No weirdos please

@IceHuck

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.

@AaronLinguini

*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah…
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?

@ThePocketJustin

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

@kashmir_lover1

Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating

@Playing_Dad

If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.

@purplefuzzygirl

Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving

And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.
Apparently.

@mindflakes

I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not