Anyone want to volunteer to dress up as a dragon for me and kidnap my girlfriend?
I always wanted to save a princess.
No weirdos please
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?
-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.
Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving
And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.
I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not