Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

This was a bad idea all around

Lmao the reply

This meal prepping shit is easy