Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Roombas should bark

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!