1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol