Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

#Caturday

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.