1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
<- sleeps well with others
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER