1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.