Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

i will not be silenced

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.