Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

linkedin the good parts

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Swedish for common sense.

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.