Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.