1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
X-tra spooky blend
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.