1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
She puts the hot in psychotic
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?