1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Saw this yesterday lol
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?