Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be