1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern