Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Fries, not lies.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.