Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

This one, by a wide margin

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.