Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.