Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

hardest line in real life

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!