Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire