1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
You know…for fall…
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Cats are still liquid.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.