Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

New skill unlocked

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order