Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store