Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Money is the root of all wealth

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

😭

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

This gonna be me in 2 weeks