1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”