1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true