1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u


If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper


The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.


[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?


I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?


The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?


A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied ‘thank you’ before I could think.


If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.


My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.