@Cain_Unable

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

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@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@McNevich

If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper

@TheCiscoKidder

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

@NewDadNotes

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

@Baxterbix

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

@funnyordie

The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?

@GroupieNo1

A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied ‘thank you’ before I could think.

@tracietom

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

@PatsATweetin

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.