1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.