Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.