1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
You Might Also Like
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…