1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone