Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out