1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not