1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
when a toddler tells a story
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.