Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”