Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you changed” bro i was 15

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

😆this is so true