Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Simple

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Lube but for my dry humor.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?