1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January