1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”