The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.