#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
How I’d get arrested…
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?