Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me
Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship
Him: but… we’re married
Me: yeah I gotta go
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”