#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.