Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

*mops up wine with cat*

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money