Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.