Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Me when I’m ovulating

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

weddings should have a worst man

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?