Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

🍛

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.