Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.