Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

I hope they boil the right one.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.