Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass