1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
i really liked this one
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
☠️ ☠️
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Mornin. * use accordingly
