Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Welcome to the stomach

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.