1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You Might Also Like
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Sharon I have some bad news
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Danger is very dangerous
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call