Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.