1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
my astrological sign is a french fry
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.